I've lost that [excited] feeling

I've been feeling something different the past week. I couldn't pin down what it was. I had thought it was that I was starting to think that I wasn't really ready for a baby after all. But that didn't make sense to me. I mean, I still sobbed after the last bum cycle.. As I was swimming up from the depths of "Saturday morning sleep" (it's the best kind) I realised what that feeling was.

I'm not excited anymore.

When we first started trying, I would practically vibrate with excitement. I was so excited at the thought of telling my husband, of telling our families, of how pleased for us I hoped they would be. Images of my husband singing to my belly, of us feeling our baby move would go through my head. I would trawl through miles and miles of the internet looking at baby furniture and decorating ideas. I was absolutely fascinated with looking at other women's growing bellies in their bios. I had a diaper bag all picked out, and one for my husband, I looked into the different kinds of baby slings (even bought one). I laid out a birth plan (what an idiot I was), decided I wanted to go with a midwife. I was so thrilled at the idea of holding my baby in my arms in the seconds after his/her birth, and seeing the look on my husband's face at what we had created together. I worried about my ability to breasfeed, and researched that.

It was a very exciting time back then. And now less than a year later, that's pretty much all gone. I wasn't expecting that. What I want to die, hope, that still "springs eternal." That would make it so much easier to make it through the last few days of every cycle, if I wasn't so damn hopeful. But the excitement? I never wanted that to go away, although, I suppose that's naive to think I could have one without the other. But if excitement was going to die, why couldn't hope go with it?