Month two

So, this is our second month trying. We missed the window on our first month, so this month we are going to get started a few days earlier in the cycle in hopes that we catch it this time. I have worries that I have a caustic babymaker, and that perhaps, like the Death Star, it destroys anything that tries to get into its airspace. That would really suck. At any rate, the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) told me after we got pregnant last time, that we should try for about 4 months the second go 'round, and if we had no luck, that we were to go see her again. So, at least I don't have to wait a year.

Back in the saddle again

Trent is just over 7 months old.
We are heading in for round 2.
I am hoping that there is some truth to the idea that you are extra fertile in the year after you give birth. I've had more than one friend who needed the medical establishments help in conceiving number one, who got pregnant first time 'round all on their own for number two. I wouldn't expect to be so lucky (since, as I have mentioned before, I think the universe has some beef with me) but it sure would be great if we could be.
I would love for it to work for us the first month we try. If it worked out, that would mean that Trent would be 16 months old when numero dos made his/her appearance. I think that's good timing. The only thing that really concerns me about Trent still being so young with number 2 is that he may not be sleeping in his own bed/crib yet. I can't see us having two babies in the bed with us. There is barely enough room for both of us with just Trent in there.
He does sleep like a starfish though.
I look forward to being pregnant again, and with Christmas having just passed, it makes me look forward to the time when we have a lot of kiddies to share those times with.
I am not even charting like last time. My cycles are still out of whack since I do still breastfeed a bit. They seem to be regulating to a standard length, just waaay longer than they used to be. I can only go by cervical mucous now. Sorry if that's a little too much info.
Fingers crossed.

Lackadaisical Posting (7dpiui)

I don't mean to be, really, but there is only so much "OMG, could it be? No, I couldn't be so lucky. But maybe. But I won't get my hopes up. But how great would it be if it did?" that I could be writing.

Other than that, I really don't have a SINGLE other thing to post about.

Really.

Sorry.

Maybe soon, but right now I am waaaay too busy obsessing over things that are completely beyond my control.

The Big Day

Tomorrow we go in and see just how things are percolating down in Ovary-ville. I don't really have high hopes for this cycle, even though we are doing something totally different this time. I just don't think I could be that lucky.

I don't call it pessimism, I call it realism.

Anyway, now that I go back and think over my Clomid Experience, I don't believe that I could really say that it came with serious side effects. Could be that I am one of the lucky ones that it doesn't adversely affect, ooooor, it could be that the dose was too small, and it didn't affect me because my body was like, "What, Clomid? Get the f*ck outta here. Whatever". And my ovaries said "What was that? Did you feel something? It felt like a nudge. No? Nothing, OK, business as usual. lets just spit out a single weak egg like we always do".

Damn you Ovaries!!

But, we shall see.

Douche, thy name is me

Treatment plan is established.
Results of second SA were much improved. Morphology is still not great, but the volume is up to normal and the count is twice normal. So, I did all kinds of woe-is-me-ing for nothing. Well, kind of nothing.
At any rate, we now have a treatment plan. And the RE is confident that it should work. But not so much so that she gave us false hope. Clomid with IUI. So, if the success rate of the IUI is 8%, and the regular success rate with just normal "doing it" is about 20%, does that mean our odds go up to 28%?
Wouldn't it be nice to think so? (To paraphrase the title of another IF blog.)
So now, although I am less stressed about the whole IF/MFI thing, I am now stressed out about the fact that I will have to be very late for work for quite a few days. I have to be monitored via b/w and u/s EVERY MORNING around O. WTF? Who can DO that?? And its not like it will just make me a few minutes late either. I may have to change my hours to be 10 -6 on those days, and I am just not sure how that will fly with the new boss. Its not like I can tell him why I need to be out. Rich can do that. They will love to hear that he is trying to start a family. It will lock him into the position, because he will need the money to support us, but me? No. I really feel like it could be very bad for me. Especially since I am JUST getting into this job. On the plus side, the new boss is born-again I think, or maybe just uber religious, but hopefully he will be all for the "go forth and multiply" stuff. I don't generally rail against the patriarchy, but I really feel like I am getting a raw deal. I don't need the stress of worrying about how much my boss will hate me for inconviencing him and making him find someone to replace me after having only just replaced the person before me.
And what if my job isn't there when I get back??? Technically, it has to be under Canadian labor laws, but sometimes companies can find a way to f*ck you within the rules.

Gawdammutherfucker. Its just NEVER going to get easier.

Treatment Plan Day!!!!

This is it. The moment we have all been waiting for. A TREATMENT PLAN. It may just come to pass today. In less than 6 hours, I will know what we are going to have to do.

I suspect (because I lurrrrve to think negatively) that she will tell us that IVF with ICSI is our only chance. Or, she might just say lets wait it out, or she might even say, lets try CLOMID. Which I hear is just a faaaaaaaaabulous drug to be on. Makes you feel all great. Because who doesn't need a little less sleep at night and a toasty little increase in your body temperature at random moments.

Might not be that bad, its not bad for everyone, but, if you'll recall, I like to think negatively, so I am sure it would SUCK for me.

I am just so so so so so glad to finally be at this place. I can understand why it can take some people 6 years to conceive, because the baby-train can be a slow moving pile of junk.

I Guess We Have a Diagnosis (or, The Worst Has Come To Pass)

At the risk of jumping to conclusions, I would venture to say that we may just have a diagnosis. My tubes are clear, I O like clockwork, but my husband's swimmers aren't that great. Looks like a ducks, quacks like a duck, must be MFI.

I googled our particular flavor of MFI (morphology) and it appears that, not only is MFI the most difficult kind of IF to overcome, but this KIND of MFI is the most difficult of that. Something about the sperm being unable to penetrate the egg because of the... well... the deformity of the head.

*sigh*

I try not to dwell on bad things, and really, I haven't had much serious heartache in my life, but as I sit here and write this, and allow myself to really think about the repercussions, my stomach is flipping over and tightening up. I think I am about to panic. And then come the tears.

This was not supposed to happen to me. And even as we were in the early stages of trying, and I would read other women's blogs, and they would talk of never thinking it would happen to them, the thought would float up from the depths of my consciousness, and I would smack it down, and drown it, stuff it under a layer of optimism. That layer is getting thin. Its getting like a white cotton shirt that you have bleached too many times, and its getting gauzy, and you have to be really careful with it, or else it will tear.
Shit. I think there's a hole.

I am scared. What if everything I have hoped and dreamed of will never come to pass?
I think I am going to throw up.

Ok, Ok. Chill out. Things will work out. They always do.
But what if this is the time that they don't?

Stop. Look, we have only had one SA, maybe it was a flukey one.

What if I have been using up all the "good luck chips" throughout my life so far, and now, I have all run out. No more good luck chips. No more good luck.

I can't rewrite the plan I had for my life. I want a dinner table surrounded by my kids, and their spouses and their kids. I don't want a life of being "Auntie Erin", of showering someone else's kids with my affection and time because I have no other outlet. I was going to write that I hope that doesn't sound selfish, but I am not sure that I care.
I don't want my husband to have to rewrite the plans for his life. I don't want us to be the barren family.

I pray that this is a bit of a blip, and not a true bump in the road. Just a little stone, not an axel-jarring crevasse.

I just can't get that white shirt to cover all the negative thoughts, and the more I scramble and pull the more it rips.

Stages of Grief

OK, so maybe I am being a smidge melodramatic, but I am swinging from apathy, to sadness to what I am experiencing at the moment: anger and frustration.

I want it now. I want it now. Not the promises of what tomorrow brings.

And I am getting sick and frickin' tired of waiting for it.

Yes, yes, I know, it's only been a year. There are people who have been waiting for 5 years, but you know what, I am not playing the "Misery Has a Hierarchy" game. Screw that. My frustration is just as valid to me a year in as yours is to you 5 years in. How would you like it if I told you to quit your bitching because at least you have a uterus at all? I mean shit, there are people out there who don't even have that right?

How about if I told you you have no right to whine because you live in North America and are among the most privileged people in the world? You could be living somewhere under the rule of a genocidal dictatorship, so just be glad for what you have.

For the record, I am not telling you this. I am just making a point.

Let me have my misery, and I will let you have yours.

I know won't make many friends for saying that, but hey. It's what I think.

OK, so now we have established that. I am frustrated and angry.

I want to see what pregnancy does to my body.
I want to see my belly swell.
I want to prepare a nursery for my little baby-to-be.
I want to go through nine months of the changes.
I want to go through birth, all the hours of pain, of losing my mind, of thinking I am going to die
I want to have that experience with my husband, it will be among the most significant, if not THE most significant thing we will experience together
I want to have the morning sickness
I want to have the swollen feet
I want to wear maternity clothes
I want to procreate, to create a being that is of my husband and me, that is of our families
I want a reason to spoil someone
I want to experience that love, that love that is greater than me

I want to know that I am not broken, and that I can have these things.

I want it all, and I want it now.

Trying not to obsess again

But its really not working.

Have I told you about our last chance before the HSG? This is it. I'll know if I have to get the lovely HSG done. I thought that I wouldn't have the chance this month, but I did, so this really IS the last chance before the HSG.

Saw an old friend and her daughter yesterday. She has some trouble TTC as well, but she has a little girl now, and her daughter is just sweet as pie. Cutie.

I want one.

She didn't hold back though, and told me about the grim aspects of childbirth, of the first few weeks with the baby. I am glad to know this kind of stuff. I was to be prepared. Thats just me though. I like having all the information I can in advance. I like to make plans, and then make contingency plans.

And then they all fall apart.

Ah well. So, had a temp dip this morning. Not looking positive, but Lady Hyde is telling me that Hey, all the charts that didn't have dramatic temp dips in the past were all negatives, so perhaps my body has temp dips when its pregnant.

Yeah, I don't believe her either, but its not like she is perched on your shoulder.

What is in store for us??

I never thought that we would have any trouble at all TTC.
When things didn't take right away, I never thought that we would have to actually get treatment, I thought that it was just going to take the year that they say it does.
Now, we are almost at a year, and I find myself having to entertain the notion that we may not only have to undergo IUI, but we might have to go with IVF.
I didn't want to have to conceive with medical intervention, originally. Now I don't care, I just want a baby. But I really don't want to have to get to the IVF stage, and only because we don't have the money to pay for it. Period. At least $5000 is what we are looking at, and thats without even the meds. I don't know if our medical coverage covers the meds, but I am sure that it won't cover the IVF costs, and like I said, we just don't have it.
I am starting to get really worried, although, we should probably just wait until we get the results of our HSG and SA.

Why I hate having trouble TTC, Reason #5,862

It makes me very conscious of the passage of time. I, like many others, am afraid of that day when I wake up at age 85 and think, holy sh*t, where has my life gone. Yes, with any luck, I will be a cussing Grandma. I don't like to really think about the passage of time, I don't want to know just when every grain of sand slips through to the bottom half of the hourglass, but, that's what TTTC is doing for me.
It's been a year since I really started to feel the baby itch, and it feels like that year has passed in a flash. Where did that time go? And why do I not have a baby to show for it?
Every month passes in a flash as well. It seems like yesterday that I was waiting to O for the last busted cycle. And then, in the 2WW time crawls at an excruciating pace.

Reason #5, 862: TTTC messes with my perception of time.

It's funny how your perspective changes

OK, so if you read IF blogs, I am sure that this won't be a new topic to you.
It's strange how it can color almost every aspect of your life.
As a lifelong fattie, I used to watch movies and instead of just losing myself in the moment (like in a tense scene of imminent danger), I would be engaged in an inner monologue about how lean the lead female characters thighs were, or how small her waist was, or some such bizarre unimportant detail.
Now (while I still obsess about lean bodies) I find that I pick apart aspects of a film that relate to pregnancy. Because I am now practically an OB/Gyn myself, what with all the research, data, facts, etc that I glean off the internet.
So, I was flicking through the movies that were available on my digital cable box, and stumbled across one that is near and dear to my heart, but I hadn't seen in a dog's age (thats "a really long time" to those who might be unfamiliar with my colloquialism) The Blue Lagoon. I saw this when I was probably about 10 or so. I do have a real affinity for movies that are about being stranded on deserted islands (its not just the toned, tanned bodies). Among my favourite moves/shows/books are Swiss Family Robinson, Robinson Crusoe, and the latest and most contemporary addition, Lost. And, I mustn't forget Survivor, which I still watch semi-religiously.
I won't go into the plot of The Blue Lagoon, but I will mention that Brooke Sheild's character gets pregnant. I am watching along, happily ensconced in this blast from my past, and I find myself snorting at the fact that they have written this movie so that she can feel the fetus moving, but she still has no actual belly. If I am not mistaken, you could feel movement no sooner than 14 weeks. I figure you'd have a bit of baby-belly at that point. Especially if you are as lean as Brooke's character was.
You bet I noticed. Now I have two things to obsess over.
Almost wrecked it for me.

One last chance

We have one more chance to get this show on the road by ourselves before I go in for an HSG and start with the medical intervention.
All I wanted was a goddamned SA. Not too much to ask, right?
I think they need to change their protocols. We KNOW I am Oing. How strong, etc, we don't know exactly, but as far as we know, I a Oing regularly and my post O levels look good. So, would you not think that their next plan of attack would be to find out if the Husband is in working order?
Well, you'd think so.
But no.
First I have to get blood taken, so my arms look like I was beaten with an orange in a sock (who knew I bruised so easily), then I have to be violated by an ultrasound "wand" (there's nothing magical about that, lemme tell you). Then I have to have a foreign substance (in the form of, what I assume is radio-reactive, dye) jammed through my tubes. All this fun stuff that I have to endure before all he needs to do is HAVE SOME DIRECTED FUN. Fill up a cup. Doing something he would do for kicks anyway.

There are so very many reasons to say "It's just not fair" when you are dealing with infertility, so please allow me:

It's Not Fair.

So, we have one more chance, one last cycle to make this work on our own.
I was guaranteed by a first-time-by-accident knocked up friend that all I needed to do was get drunk. Get my uterus inebriated and made easily accessible by the "foreign invaders".
I called her a douche.
She was serious.
She practically guaranteed me a pregnancy if I just got drunk. So, I am going to. I am going to get rip-roaring drunk. Fortunately, it just so happens to coincide with a friends Stag and Doe, so I will be drunk anyway.

One more chance.

Would it be too much to ask for some collective finger-crossing?

Pretty please?

But, why...?

So, this is the one that has been rolling around in my brain for a while. Mostly because, there was a time (that I think has passed) that the focus became so much on just getting pregnant, that the after wasn't even a consideration. Having a child was not the goal, so much as just GETTING FREAKIN' PREGNANT.
I started thinking, because I want to be sure that I am doing this for the right reasons. Here are what I think might be the wrong reasons:

• It's just what you do next, after you get married
• That's the stage that everyone else you know is
• You don't want to be the only one without kids at the family gathering
• You want a year off of work (yaaaay Canada's social system)
• You want a reason to let your belly hang out
• Maternity clothes are cute
• Lots of attention in the form of congratulations/showers/etc.
• Dressing up babies in cute clothes is FUN
  

Those are fairly easily crystallized. But as for the right reasons to have children, what exactly are they. The right reasons...
I am sure if you are a very Catholic (or other denomination that places a lot of emphasis on just increasing the number of followers) person, just having kids is a good enough reason, but, why do I really want to have kids? That's not as easy of a bullet list to come up with.
Is it because I want some measure of immortality? That's kinda selfish, no?
Or perhaps because I want the privilege of raising a child (or 4) that will be contributions to the planet, and to society? That's a bit pompous.
Is it as simple as I just want something that is of my husband and I? The froooits of our love, as it were? That's a bit sappy.

What are the things that are really going to matter when the child is screaming and crying for 4 solid hours (if not more) in the middle of the night, or day for that matter. You hear of people having kids to fix a marriage/relationship (that's another bullet for the list above), or because they are lonely, and want someone to love, and to love them back unconditionally. Another wrong reason.
So really, what are the right reasons? That's a tough one.
What is it, the impetus, the thing that makes so many of us so crazy with want for it?
I mean, I have wanted a family with lots of kids for a long time. Even in the height of my drinkin' and partyin', I knew that one day, that time would end, and I would want to watch Johnny and Suzie and Fido playing in the pristine expanse of green lawn behind that white picket fence. But I still can't really tell you why.
Am I just that thoroughly brainwashed by what "society" deems is the right thing to do? I don't think so, but I guess that might be it for some people. I don't think that it's because I feel like that's just what, as a woman, I should be doing. Granted, we are built for the job, but that doesn't mean that's the height of what women can/should achieve. I mean, if that were the case, why would men want children.

This is hard. And I don't think I have an answer that I can tell you. I know that I can't wait to experience pregnancy, and birth. Maybe its because I want to test my own mettle? No, that's not it, although I am interested to see how I deal with the many challenges.
Maybe it's as simple as I just want to experience that incredible thing that is a parent's love for a child. It's life changing.

I'm not going to lie though, all the reasons in that bulleted list above are somewhat valid, and I for one, am going to enjoy maternity leave and dressing my baby. And, yes, to all you mothers out there reading this, I know that its not going to be a vacation. I am pretty sure that I am going to enjoy the million diaper changes, the midnight feedings, the rocking and hugging a screaming child to sleep. I think its going to be the most rewarding job. But I still can't tell you why.

So, have you ever thought of why you want to have children? Why you would be/are/have been devastated to know that you can't have children?
I really want to know.

More about the RE appt

It was kinda great. With the exception of the fact that we had to wait 20 minutes to get in to see her, and she mentioned that she is normally an HOUR behind. So, next time my appt is at 3, I should show up for 4? WTF? This is something I hate the MOST about doctors. But, I digress. She was very very nice, very pleasant, seemed genuinely invested in our care. Which is different, but, on par for what I would expect from an RE.
I got a scrip for a groovy pregnancy vitamin called PregVit which has 5 mg of folic acid, which is what the new recommendations are, and although I am a bit dismayed by the superfluous packaging, it's blister sealed according to day, so I will always know if I have taken it. I have been bad about the Maternas, cuz sometimes I can't remember. It's also very cool, because its separated into a morning dose and an evening dose, because calcium can interfere with the absorption of iron, so they separate the compounds into different pills. Its one more pill to remember, but like I said, idiot-proof packaging.
The nurse there that I saw was also super friendly, super nice. I really hope that its a one stop shop for all my diagnostic needs too. Ultrasounds, bloodwork, all that jazz. It's such a bitch to find a clinic to get your blood drawn at during the day. Sometimes, it has to be a fasting test too, so you can't eat for 12 hours before hand, and so the first thing you want to do it get your blood drawn in the morning so you can eat. So, the CD3 bloodwork is for FSH, LH, Estradiol and Prolactin. I asked about my CD21 b/w that I had done, and she said they don't really put a lot of stoc k in CD21 b/w with the exception of your progesterone levels showing that you have Oed, which I do, regularly, and she pointed out, a few times., which made me feel like a star.
Yippee, I am special because I O regularly.
Yes, its silly. But anyway...
We are also getting tested for a variety of lovely STDs. They want to keep a clean clinic. Which I can appreciate, but, what happens if you suffer from IF, but have herpes or something. They tell you you are on your own?
I should specify that I am not worried about the results of this.
Rich is getting tested for all those as well, and something else that surprised me. Apparently, because he has an Italian and French lineage, he might be a CF carrier. Crazy!
Not too worried about that either, because even if he is (the chances are 1 in 25) I would have to be a carrier too in order to pass it on to any children.

Watch, now we'll both be carriers, and riddled with STDsjust because I said I am not worried about it. Great.

Not that exciting

My first RE appt, that is. There is a bunch of stuff planned, but none of it is happening really until July.
They all seem very nice there, and I suspect that I will get much more personalised care.
Other than that, there isn't much to tell. It's all pretty typical.

You're gonna laugh

But we repainted the bathroom last night. After installing the toilet and the vanity, we had to repaint. The color that we had was just too saturated. Now we have the nice bluey-green-grey that I originally wanted. See, I wanted to not procrastinate, so when I found myself in a Canadian Tire (that's three home improvement stores mentioned in this blog now, for anyone who is counting) I picked a color that I thought was close to Mermaid Net, even though it wasn't a Behr color. Well, it was close, but not quite. So, when we were at the Depot yesterday looking for an effing adaptor for the stupid sink (another long story) and I saw the real color again, I decided we needed to repaint. Not a huge deal, just a waste of $30 and a few hours of my time. So the reno is still incomplete, and now the tank is leaking. Goddamn it. I think (hope) that its just that we didn't tighten the bolts that hold the tank to the bowl enough, but I am so scared to reef on the bolts and crack the tank. I have seen warnings of this repeatedly.

So, this blog can almost be renamed Climbing Mount Bathroom Renovation. Worry not faithful readers. We will return very soon to our regularly scheduled program of bitching and moaning about my pathetic baby-making equipment. And, as a small teaser, I almost cried yesterday when we passed by the CUTEST baby I have ever seen in the Depot.

My favourite part of my cycle

This is where I am right now. The part of my cycle that is easy, breezy, beautiful... oh, that one got away from me.
Waiting to O is a breeze. Probably because I do, like clockwork (knock on wood). Its not stressfull waiting to O. I wish upon a star that my 2WW could be like that.

It really is the uncertainty that kills me.

If this was cancer...

...I would be dead before we figured it out. It just takes soooo long to get anything figured out. I mean, my first Dr.s appointment was in JANUARY. Its MAY now. 4 months? And still we don't know what's going on. We think that I am OK, but we aren't sure. I may end up on the crazy-making Clomid. Which isn't what I want, and frankly, I don't think its necessary. I O just fine, and all my numbers are good. I've got a great ovarian reserve, high progesterone numbers, so I think that my O is strong enough.
Perhaps my uterus is bathed in acid or something.
T-minus 8 days...

Ask and you shall receive

OK, the fat lady has sung.
I am just glad the waiting and hoping is over. That's the shit that kills me.

On the upside, and I may have mentioned this before, with every cycle, I learn what isn't a symptom, and what I can ignore. Like, this cycle, I learned that I could ignore a faint line on an OPK. I don't quite get how they can be used for HPTs, but I thought from what I gleaned here, that it might have meant something, but, I guess I was wrong.

I usually am a big fan of rollercoasters, the anticipation, the ups and downs, the sharp turns... but in the theme park that is my life trying to conceive, I don't like them at all.