OK, so maybe I am being a smidge melodramatic, but I am swinging from apathy, to sadness to what I am experiencing at the moment: anger and frustration.
I want it now. I want it now. Not the promises of what tomorrow brings.
And I am getting sick and frickin' tired of waiting for it.
Yes, yes, I know, it's only been a year. There are people who have been waiting for 5 years, but you know what, I am not playing the "Misery Has a Hierarchy" game. Screw that. My frustration is just as valid to me a year in as yours is to you 5 years in. How would you like it if I told you to quit your bitching because at least you have a uterus at all? I mean shit, there are people out there who don't even have that right?
How about if I told you you have no right to whine because you live in North America and are among the most privileged people in the world? You could be living somewhere under the rule of a genocidal dictatorship, so just be glad for what you have.
For the record, I am not telling you this. I am just making a point.
Let me have my misery, and I will let you have yours.
I know won't make many friends for saying that, but hey. It's what I think.
OK, so now we have established that. I am frustrated and angry.
I want to see what pregnancy does to my body.
I want to see my belly swell.
I want to prepare a nursery for my little baby-to-be.
I want to go through nine months of the changes.
I want to go through birth, all the hours of pain, of losing my mind, of thinking I am going to die
I want to have that experience with my husband, it will be among the most significant, if not THE most significant thing we will experience together
I want to have the morning sickness
I want to have the swollen feet
I want to wear maternity clothes
I want to procreate, to create a being that is of my husband and me, that is of our families
I want a reason to spoil someone
I want to experience that love, that love that is greater than me
I want to know that I am not broken, and that I can have these things.
I want it all, and I want it now.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Stages of Grief
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5 comments:
I absolutely understand how you feel. I like how you put it into the Hierarchy of Misery. To be honest, my pain is the same as it was at 1 year. If anything, the letdown was harder because I had such high hopes. Now, I guess out of self preservation, I don't allow myself to get as hopeful and excited so it seems that the letdown is not as hard as it was at 9 months, 1 year, etc.
It hurts the same no matter how long it's been so you have every right to feel pissed off. It's still painful, it's still frustrating and it's still unfair.
I completely agree with you. Even though we aren't trying right now, Im still scared that when we are, we won't be able to conceive. I think about my miscarriage all the time. And it's been 5 years ago! I don't think there should be a misery hierarchy. Have trouble conceiving is bad enough on it's own. You deserve want to feel all those things.
You have every right to be angry and frustrated. Don't let ANYONE tell you that you don't.
You put in to words what I think every day! I really feel like going through TTTC or IF is a grieving process too. It is like you have to grieve the loss of all that is 'normal'. Realizing this isn't going to be an easy road is a major hit to take, a huge loss to deal with. I don't think some people realize what TTTC and IF can do to a person. You have every right to feel whatever way you want to!! I get pissed every day because I had my chance, and that got taken away from me too. I am sick and tired of waiting too!
I want all of that now, too. It's so depressing that we can't be one of those that get it easily. I just hope we get it at all. *hugs*
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