I am so weak, so so weak

Toward the end of the past 12 months or so, I have been very good at eliminating and then ignoring all possible "pregnancy" symptoms. Month one, I thought my sense of smell was heightened, but it was just the over-active air freshener in the bathroom.

Month two I was able to ignore the sense of smell symptom, but then fell victim to the lower-back ache symptom. Month three, I was able to ignore the sense of smell, and the lower-back ache, but then succumbed to the sore boobs symptom. Month 4... well, you get my drift.
I slowly eliminated all possible symptoms. I had just never paid so much attention to how I felt before the start of a new cycle. Now, I can write off almost everything as just a symptom of PMS.
But now, now I am having trouble not finding symptoms again.

So, the sore boobs? Back, but a different sore, and in a different place
Also, leg cramps. Possible? Yes. Probable? No

But the biggest sign of all...

I had a very intense cramp, the kind that I only have when I am a good 2 or days into the cycle.
And I am only 9DPO today. Could be implantation?? Maybe??

I am weak, so very weak. I am succumbing to Hope again.

B*tch.

Lackadaisical Posting (7dpiui)

I don't mean to be, really, but there is only so much "OMG, could it be? No, I couldn't be so lucky. But maybe. But I won't get my hopes up. But how great would it be if it did?" that I could be writing.

Other than that, I really don't have a SINGLE other thing to post about.

Really.

Sorry.

Maybe soon, but right now I am waaaay too busy obsessing over things that are completely beyond my control.

Here we are, 3dpiui

and I am pretty proud of myself for not thinking too much about possible symptoms and stuff.
Actually, I know I shouldn't put my shoulder out of joint patting myself on the back just yet. It's only 3 days past. I don't usually get crazy in the 2WW until about 7dpo. This cycle does feel different though, obviously. Different procedure, hopefully eliminated at least 2 of the variables that were getting in the way of us getting pg. Feels like the first cycles, the ones where I had hope, where I could think there actually was a chance. Over the past year, I had gotten to the point where I just knew nothing would take, because there was nothing different about one cycle than the last busted one, so I wouldn't expect a different result. but now, hey, something is different. This just might work.
I am trying not to think about it, not to get my hopes up. Because it will be u-g-l-y when this cycles end's in a bust, but I can't help it.
At any rate, no symptoms to speak of.
But that's to be expected at this early point.

Trying not to obsess again

But its really not working.

Have I told you about our last chance before the HSG? This is it. I'll know if I have to get the lovely HSG done. I thought that I wouldn't have the chance this month, but I did, so this really IS the last chance before the HSG.

Saw an old friend and her daughter yesterday. She has some trouble TTC as well, but she has a little girl now, and her daughter is just sweet as pie. Cutie.

I want one.

She didn't hold back though, and told me about the grim aspects of childbirth, of the first few weeks with the baby. I am glad to know this kind of stuff. I was to be prepared. Thats just me though. I like having all the information I can in advance. I like to make plans, and then make contingency plans.

And then they all fall apart.

Ah well. So, had a temp dip this morning. Not looking positive, but Lady Hyde is telling me that Hey, all the charts that didn't have dramatic temp dips in the past were all negatives, so perhaps my body has temp dips when its pregnant.

Yeah, I don't believe her either, but its not like she is perched on your shoulder.

Ding dong the monster is dead

And I don't even miss her. She didn't have anything to say at the end of this 2WW. Cycle ended, and I hadn't had a solid week of what-ifs and maybes and could-bes.
Thank goodness.
Now I just hope she stays dead.

This feels so awesome. Call me a pessimist if you will, but not obsessing about it feels so much better. I think that Lady Hyde and Hope are the same thing, so I am glad they have kicked the bucket.

Good riddance.
Stay down.

Here I go again, on my own, going down the only road I've ever known (for the past year anyway)

I look around, and yes, this place looks familiar. Looks more and more familiar every time I come. I am visiting with Lady Hyde. I don't want to be here, but I just find myself here once a month, against my will, listening to her natter away. She seems to be getting a little quieter, or maybe she just waits until the very last minute to start shouting "THIS COULD BE IT! THIS COULD BE THE MONTH. No, wait, THIS IS THE MONTH"
I will take it as an indicator of some of my sanity coming back that I forgot to enter my temp until about 1 this afternoon.
It's 8 DPO today, and while I am not suffering at the moment, I know I will be soon enough.
In case you were wondering, this is a picture of Lady Hyde's brother. Yeah, I think torture runs in their family.

The longest day of my life

That is what today will be. Until I start my new cycle. I would really just love for it to start today, sooner rather than later, so I can just know for certain on way or the other. My temps have fallen, but I am not spotting like I normally do. And, I am at the long end of my cycles, so I can't help but hold out a little bit of hope. What a complete and total mindf*ck temping and charting are. Just start already so I'll know!!
If I had cheap tests, I would take one, but I see no point in wasting money. Cuz that's what it would be... a waste.
I do this at the end of every single stupid 2WW, and its getting old. You would think that I would know better.
Damn it.

1WW crazies

So, its 11DPO. We are in the home stretch.

It's making me crazy.

All I can think about is symptoms, hints, clues. I really try not to read into them at all, because they've been completely bogus in the past (I could swear I have written this before...). But I cannot stop myself.
Oddly enough, with my cycle ending in about 3 days, I don't feel as many PMS symptoms as normal. I do have a very short temper with Rich, that is typical for this stage in my cycle. I don't have sore boobs, which isn't typical. But, I don't put much stock in that. It does vary.
Yesterday, the smell of my neoprene laptop case was making me ill. That's the only thing that really makes me think right now. It's never bother me before. But, who knows.
I really fucking hate doing this, but I cannot stop myself. I sound like a drug addict.

I can't do it

I can't not temp. I've gotten confirmation of my O. Thank goodness. Since I am only 4DPO, I am still convinced that it won't happen this month. But that will change as the days go by. By this time next week, I will have convinced myself that any and every twinge, ache, prickle, ANYTHING will be a symptom. I've done this every cycle for the past 6, and I can't stop myself. It's the part I hate the most. I've railed about this in many a post. I wonder what I can do to stop myself thinking about it... nothing most likely. Perhaps I should limit my posts to non-TTC related topics in this 2WW. I'll try that. But it won't work.