So, this is the one that has been rolling around in my brain for a while. Mostly because, there was a time (that I think has passed) that the focus became so much on just getting pregnant, that the after wasn't even a consideration. Having a child was not the goal, so much as just GETTING FREAKIN' PREGNANT.
I started thinking, because I want to be sure that I am doing this for the right reasons. Here are what I think might be the wrong reasons:
- It's just what you do next, after you get married
- That's the stage that everyone else you know is
- You don't want to be the only one without kids at the family gathering
- You want a year off of work (yaaaay Canada's social system)
- You want a reason to let your belly hang out
- Maternity clothes are cute
- Lots of attention in the form of congratulations/showers/etc.
- Dressing up babies in cute clothes is FUN
I am sure if you are a very Catholic (or other denomination that places a lot of emphasis on just increasing the number of followers) person, just having kids is a good enough reason, but, why do I really want to have kids? That's not as easy of a bullet list to come up with.
Is it because I want some measure of immortality? That's kinda selfish, no?
Or perhaps because I want the privilege of raising a child (or 4) that will be contributions to the planet, and to society? That's a bit pompous.
Is it as simple as I just want something that is of my husband and I? The froooits of our love, as it were? That's a bit sappy.
What are the things that are really going to matter when the child is screaming and crying for 4 solid hours (if not more) in the middle of the night, or day for that matter. You hear of people having kids to fix a marriage/relationship (that's another bullet for the list above), or because they are lonely, and want someone to love, and to love them back unconditionally. Another wrong reason.
So really, what are the right reasons? That's a tough one.
What is it, the impetus, the thing that makes so many of us so crazy with want for it?
I mean, I have wanted a family with lots of kids for a long time. Even in the height of my drinkin' and partyin', I knew that one day, that time would end, and I would want to watch Johnny and Suzie and Fido playing in the pristine expanse of green lawn behind that white picket fence. But I still can't really tell you why.
Am I just that thoroughly brainwashed by what "society" deems is the right thing to do? I don't think so, but I guess that might be it for some people. I don't think that it's because I feel like that's just what, as a woman, I should be doing. Granted, we are built for the job, but that doesn't mean that's the height of what women can/should achieve. I mean, if that were the case, why would men want children.
This is hard. And I don't think I have an answer that I can tell you. I know that I can't wait to experience pregnancy, and birth. Maybe its because I want to test my own mettle? No, that's not it, although I am interested to see how I deal with the many challenges.
Maybe it's as simple as I just want to experience that incredible thing that is a parent's love for a child. It's life changing.
I'm not going to lie though, all the reasons in that bulleted list above are somewhat valid, and I for one, am going to enjoy maternity leave and dressing my baby. And, yes, to all you mothers out there reading this, I know that its not going to be a vacation. I am pretty sure that I am going to enjoy the million diaper changes, the midnight feedings, the rocking and hugging a screaming child to sleep. I think its going to be the most rewarding job. But I still can't tell you why.
So, have you ever thought of why you want to have children? Why you would be/are/have been devastated to know that you can't have children?
I really want to know.
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7 comments:
I do think about this.
Often.
I had a kind of epiphany in my late 20's about the nature of life -- work, while rewarding, wasn't it -- acquiring things and even my creative work didn't seem to be it either...love was it -- I realized that the most important work I could do was to raise a child. I just felt it.
It was about taking what I had learned from this journey in life and transmitting it, transmuting it somehow...at least for me, that was it.
I just knew it.
I guess wanted to share my life and my knowledge of life with kids. I have known since I was a little girl that I wanted kids, although I tried to fight it in my pre-teen years. I think I am sappy too and wanted a part of hubby and I mixed together! NCLM
I have thought about it as well. I was never the kind of girl who always wanted children although I kind of assumed I would have them somewhere after university and some fabulous jab - ahh the naivety of youth. In fact I positively avoided children when I was a teenager/at university. Then somewhere roughly in my late 20s it just came up behind me and went from something I had hardly given a second thought to something I really wanted. I didn't analyse it at the time and looking back I can't quite work out what it was that was driving me.
Ohh and thank you for coming by my blog for NCLM - much appreciated.
I just typed a whole answer out, but it was more rambling than anything else.
I don't think we need a reason, I think the journey and the experience of something new is exciting and something most of us want to go through - regardless of the challenge.
So, here is a really simplified answer to the question.
I think that I just have so much love and care to give that it oozes out of me. The only relationship that I could possibly give/leak all of that care and love onto (without really creeping people out) is the relationship with my child.
I think for me, it's all the things you mentioned. In the beginning, before getting married and when we were first married, I rarely thought about actually getting or being pregnant - I always thought about kids and raising them. I think IF makes us obsessed with getting pregnant because so many of us haven't for so long, and we can't really move on to the next step of having and raising our kids until we get pregnant. I'm sure when/if we get pregnant, we'll switch our focus back to the actual children. In the meantime, bring on the pee sticks! (jk, I actually stopped testing a long time ago.)
Via NCLM.
Very interesting read.
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