I've just read a post about the correct language to use when discussing adoption, ie birthmother vs natural mother, etc etc.
With all the posting about adoption that gets done on these blogs/message boards, I am amazed that something never registered with me.
My sister is adopted.
Thing is, its such a non-issue to me, that until today, until as part of NaComLeavMo, I was forced to think about it (because I pick 5 blogs a day and make myself comment on them, as opposed to cherrypicking a blog I want to comment on). I commented to the blog writer:
I don't mean for this to come off as contradictory to your post, but as the sibling of an adopted child, I have to say that I could care less about the language that is used. My theory is that it is such a non-issue to me. She is my sister, my parent's daughter, my aunt/uncle's niece, etc, etc, and that's that. She is truly, to me, not a whit different than if she was born of my mom's womb.I assume that it means as little to my mom as to me, since we don't talk about it either. And when I say we don't talk about it, I don't mean that we avoid it, it just doesn't come up.
Now, saying that, it may be different for me, because I was 5 when she was adopted. She has just "always been there". It may be different for my mom, but I don't know.
To those of you with siblings who are not adopted, do you think about the significance of it?
I would guess no, because to you, there is no significance.
I remember once, talking to a friend of mine who kinda gave me sh*t for having the attitude above. His position was that just because it means nothing to me, doesn't mean it means nothing to my sister. And that is probably totally true. We don't chat about her being adopted. Again, a non-issue.
It just doesn't register with me.
But, I won't feel bad about that fact. I don't diminish her feelings about it, but I won't falsely amplify mine, just because "you" feel like its a big deal, because it's a foreign concept to "you".
As a matter of fact, I think this will be the first time that I do "discuss" it with my sister, because she reads my blog. I hope S, that you aren't bothered by anything I write here.
Bottom line, last words:
She is my sister.
Period.
Posts
11 comments:
Well said.
I have a half sister - we share a mother, have different fathers. But, unless I'm talking about my father and this sister in the same sentence, it never really occurs to me that she's my half-sister. I know it's not quite the same thing, but the point remains the same. She is my sister. End of story.
And I'd guess that your sister feels much the same way as you do about it... no matter what else she may think about being adopted, you are her sister. Again, end of story.
I don't have any personal experience with this, but I believe that I would feel as you feel--that there is no distinctive language that should be used....however, a little while ago, I stumbled upon a blog by a woman who had given up two of her children for adoption and SHE took issue with the language that is used through the adoption process. I had never looked at things her way before, so it was an eye opener for me. Maybe it's different for each person.
Being adopted, but having no siblings, that part never really came up..But Im from a BIG extended family and they were always my cousins, aunts, uncles etc and I was never "oh she's adopted" or anything like that. I think bottom line, you share parents, whether through a womb or a heart, your siblings, family, together.
My mom is adopted. and we never talk about it and it is never an issue. And it is not an issue with her. My grandparents are my grandparents and her parents. She has never wanted to know her birth parents, she has her family and we are her family. The only time it ever comes up as an issue is when I go to the doctor and they want to know my family history....
(NCLM)
I read the same post and loved it. Thanks for adding your experiences.
Well said! =)
Wasn't that the point of the whole post? That however a family was created, that it was a family. You are at the other end of the spectrum from those who do not "understand" that adoption is just another way to build a family. It seems normal to you that this is how it works. Others need to learn the correct language.
Nicely written post. :0)
Happy NCLM!
I like the way you think. The correct language thing drives me crazy. I understand that some people find hurt in the words that are used, but I don't think that's fair if the speaker doesn't intend for it to be hurtful in anyway. It's so complicated and it's so hard to find a balance.
Great post! I think that if the child is loved and accepted as one of the family that whether you say birth mother or first mother should make no difference to the child. I can see where maybe adults may take more offense to some wordings but it mostly about how the child feels. Right?
I agree with you. I don't have an adopted sibling, but I have an adopted cousin. We're a huge family and the adoption is a non-issue. She a part of the family in every way.
Post a Comment