I think I scared Rich last night

So, started spotting last night. Its not like I had super high hopes for this cycle, but the death of every cycle is getting to be pretty traumatic.
I didn't think I was going to really cry, but then I went and sat with my head on Richie's lap, and it all came pouring out. I don't think that I have cried that hard in front of anyone, ever.
I've been so consumed with just the one BFP that it hadn't occurred to me what the repercussions of this will have on having future children.

I've always wanted a big family, like 4 kids. Nothing crazy, but I want the dinner table to have lots of kids around it. I want Christmas dinners to be huge at our house. I want a pant-load of grandkids. I want to be crazy-busy with hockey and lacrosse practice, and music lessons, and recitals, and bakesales, and girlguide meetings. I want to be broke for paying for orthodontics, and glasses and lessons, and sleep-away camp fees. To me, that's what is going to make me happy. And last night, when it hit me that I may never have one, let alone 4, that knocked the wind out of me.
Nothing, not lots of money, big house, fancy car, high-tech electronics, exotic vacations, couture clothes, premium cosmetics, nothing will make me as happy as watching my children sleep, or anticipate Christmas, or achieve in school, or score the winning goal.

So, I've reevaluated and modified some goals. I always wanted to have 4 kids, and be done having them by 35. That's not something that is going to happen now, with my 33rd birthday a mere 3 months away.

My aunt had her daughter at about 38/39 I think. So, I still want 4 kids, but I think I will keep having them as long as need to. Provided I can have them at all.

And, winning an honourable mention in the "Shit-timing" category: I watched Knocked Up again the other night, and now I am obsessively listening to Daughter by Loudon Wainwright III.

I am going to make an iTunes playlist called "Music to Sob To"