Things to try and remember...

...when I am feeling grim because my body is taking its sweet time turning into an incubator.

• Constipation: I fear this with a fear that is intense and... fearful. Everyone has experienced it at one time or another, and I really hate it with a passion. See, I was on Atkins for almost a year once. It did a number on my insides. They still aren't quite back to pre-Atkins working order.
• Morning sickness: When I first started trying to conceive, I WISHED for morning sickness. I couldn't wait for it. I was even planning on making my own, designer waterproof barfbag for emergencies. Did you really believe that? Come on, what kind of douchebag do you take me for. However, I was almost looking forward to it. Until one morning, I took my prenatal on an empty stomach. That was bad enough, making Rich veer of the nearest off-ramp. So now, I kinda hope that I am the kinda woman who doesn't get morning sickness.
• Insomnia: I am sure that it was unintentional, and my "fear" of it is irrational, but my dad's insistence that I PUT DOWN THE BOOK AND GO TO SLEEP when I was like 11, has totally gotten me freaked out about not getting enough sleep. And then I saw The Machinist and although I would welcome a 60-pound weight loss, the inability to sleep, not so much. Because I really like sleep. Like, really. Which brings me to my next point which is
• Fatigue: I would welcome the fatigue only some much as it will make laying in bed and getting some Zzzzs feel really freakin' great. I am guessing exponentially better than it feels to fall into bed just because its the end of the day and your a little bushed. However, when you have to get up, go to work, cook dinner, go grocery shopping, basically be out of bed, it's going to suck, hardcore.
• Heartburn: Anything that makes you want to claw out your own esophagus has to be pretty bad. I don't know about you, but the kind of heartburn I used to get when I was a big giant fattie (yes, its true I was) was pretty bad, pretty constant, and pretty unbearable. I haven't looked into it, but, as long as Tums won't harm my as-yet-unconceived baby, i figure I'll be eating those like candy. Either that or nicking chalk from the local elementary school.
• Backache: I am no stranger to back pain. Frankly, I have it now when I sleep on my stomach (which, coincidentally enough, is my favorite position... have I told you my theory about how the universe hates me? Oh well, another day). There was this one time that I had to have the paramedics come collect me from my bedroom floor, because the pain was so bad. And this was after having laid there for 3 hours until someone could get to me. Remember. Universe. Hates. They gave me laughing gas and told me that if I breathed deeply and evenly, it wouldn't eliminate the pain, but I wouldn't care about it. Let me tell you, I breathed as evenly as a neurosurgeon and as deeply as a free-diver and I still felt the pain, and I still f*cking cared. But I digress.
• Feeling like a whale: Part of me thinks that the getting-fat part of pregnancy won't bother me as much as some ladies, since for me, as a fattie already, it will be so freeing to not have to worry about my belly protruding, but, if I develop sausage fingers and 3 chins. I am not going to be a happy camper.
• The just-get-it-out-of-me feeling: I have no idea what this is going to feel like, its just something I have heard happens at the end of your pregnancy. So I simultaneously have no fear (since I don't have any idea whats in store for me) and am filled with fear (because I don't have any idea what's in store for me!!)

I just hope that one day, I can look back on this blog, and review all these "drawbacks" of pregnancy and laugh heartily and say "it wasn't bad at all". Fingers crossed.